I'm a pusher, Kady!

I have this nasty habit of pushing myself to a point where my body does weird things.
For instance, gets incredibly excellent in catching colds, exhaustion, dehydration, and most recently discovered, the flu!
Unfortunately all of these things suck. So it's not that great.
I also have another nasty habit of stressing myself out (at least) once a semester to the point of a mental/physical/emotional breakdown.
Once again, suck-ish.
I also have another habit (it can be nasty, but sometimes it can be pretty awesome!) of switching the conversation to ANYTHING else.
Here's where all these things come together...
Last Monday night a good friend picked me up to go to senior chapel. We talked pretty much non-stop to our seats, and picked up on our way back to his car.
I also managed to keep the conversation not about me.
It wasn't till he parked outside my apartment that he realized my deception (although I don't think he thought of it as "deception") and asked me how I was doing.
I laughed and told him that we didn't have enough time.
So he gave me "5 minutes" and turned off the car and leaned back and looked at me.
And I kind of...gave up.
I like keeping up this strong front. Like I have everything together. I'm very organized. I like this front. I'm comfortable with it.
But there are times where I can't keep it up. And I shouldn't have to, but I feel this need to keep it up anyway.
But at this point in time I was so exhausted that I just broke down.
I told him how stressed I was and that I felt like I wasn't keeping up or doing anything right, blah, blah, blah.
After much more than 5 minutes, I sat there playing with my keys in my lap trying to distract the conversation to anything else.
Which worked. For like...1 minute.
He's a wise one. :)
He asked me what he could do and I told him with a heavy sigh that I had no clue.
So he took my hand, and prayed for me.
And I broke down. And I cried.
But it was good.
Have you ever had a good cry? Where you cry healing tears, or you can feel the worry and stress come out through crying?
Anyway.
I felt a better. And then I heard him say the words:

"You're so hard on yourself."

He said it quietly, but each word felt so heavy and big. Because it's absolutely true.
I told you. He's wise. ;)
Those words have been swimming around my head ever since he said them.
But my question is...how do I change that? I need to be hard on myself to discipline myself. But clearly I need to do it in a healthier way...but I don't quite know how yet.
But it's been in my thoughts since Monday.
And if I figure it out, I'll let you guys know.

But for now, your prayers are extremely welcomed. :)

A-Z

I saw this and stole it.
I'll admit it. :)

A. Age: 22
B. Bed Size: Twin. I'm in college.
C. Chore that you hate: Cleaning the bathroom. The germs!! Blech!
D. Dogs: Yes.
E. Essential start to your day: A shower and reading at least one chapter from my Bible.
F. Favorite color: teal and pink
G. Gold or Silver: Silver
H. Height: 5'5”
I. Instruments you play: voice, piano, and “technically” clarinet, saxophone, flute, “all” percussion, and am learning trumpet.
J. Job title: Student, nanny, and choir librarian
K. Kids: I love them :)
L. Live: Azusa, CA / Livermore, CA
M. Mother's name: Linda
N. Nicknames: Vish
O. Overnight hospital stays: None as of now
P. Pet peeves: People clapping off beat. Drives me nuts-o!!
Q. Quote from a movie: “My good opinion once lost is lost forever.” - Mr. Darcy (my favorite book/movie!)
R. Right or left handed: Right
S. Siblings: older brother and sister in-law
T. TV Show: I have to say Glee, because that's what I'm watching as I'm writing this. :)
U. Underwear: Yes. I'm a firm believer in underwear.
V. Vegetable you hate: Every vegetable. Ever. Seriously. I'm not a fan. Sorry.
W. What makes you run late: Nothing if I can help it. I HATE being late! I'm typically, like, 10 minutes ealry.
X. X-Rays you've had: 2: my ankle (I sprained it in high school) and this summer I had x-rays of my neck for my cluster headaches
Y. Yummy food you make: Homemade pizza and “the” SWC pasta. Heeheehee
Z. Zoo animal: Penguins!

How I Know A New Semester Has Started...

1. 100 degree heat (in the 90s at 10:30am). Ew.
It was ridiculously hot for 10:30am after chapel. It's just...NOT ok. Neither is it ok for me to sit in the shade filling out paperwork and still sweat! It's just unnatural, right??

2. Chapel!
I like chapel. I don't care. I like it. Opening chapel is always the same though. But it's good. John Wallace showed us a clip from Wall-E. It made me happy. :)

3. Classes (duh.)
This is pretty obvious. But I have to brag that my first class was canceled! What, what?!?!

4. Books. $500 so far. Still a few more books to get.
Yeah...that's it. I'm still a bit bitter about that...I'll get over it. When my own kids buy their books and it's $800 or something. Ha!

5. Professors putting you on the spot.
When you're in an "intro" class, how am I expected to know a lot about it? Easy. I don't. So when I'm put on the spot, I just talk. Lucky for me, I'm really good at talking! :)

6. Syllabi.
And the professors feel the need to read through it with you. Because I can't read it on my own. I know it's their job, but...oy. I have 9 classes. It gets really redundant.

7. No parking.
Because they haven't distributed parking passes everyone is parking where ever they want. Which means I get to drive around looking for a parking spot 20 minutes before class wondering if I should just park on the other campus and walk back and be late and sweaty. Praise Jesus that as I was praying I saw a guy who looked like he was walking to his car. So OBVIOUSLY I stalked him to his car and got his spot! Yay me!! My creeper skills are coming in handy!

8. Back to school Target runs. Yay!
Target is 2 blocks away!! And if you know me even a little, you know I LOVE Target. Love. Love, love, love. And since it's right down the street from me if I need to get a few things that's where I go! I enjoy this greatly. :)

9. Lists, lists, and lists!
Once again, if you know me, you know I am an organizing freak! I love things neat and orderly. So as soon as I finish this I am going to proceed to make my homework list, my to-do list, and then my "tomorrow" list.
Yeah...is this healthy? Eh, whatever. I can't remember anything so I have to write everything down.
Twice.

10. Papers.
I ALREADY have a paper due Monday. Granted it's 2 pages double spaced, but c'mon!
Oh well.


Moral of the story is: I am getting back into the routine of school, and am thoroughly enjoying it. :)